I’ve read and own a lot of self help books. Some of the best that is out here is probably in my personal library. They are very special to me, each one reflecting a certain time in my life, a certain aspect of myself I was working on. There is a lot of wisdom in them, but something I have always bumped up against is this feeling like not everything applied to me and my history.

Over and over I bumped up against material that really doesn’t apply to someone who was traumatized as a child because of the real damage that is done to the brain of a traumatized child, because of the deep wounding associated with sexual abuse, child abuse and neglect.

And while I do believe that we can alter our brain and rewire it, that kind of work is often not addressed or done by readers of these books. And women who suffered trauma often pick up these self help books, hoping to find some answers to help them be more positive, more open, allow more happiness in, become more embodied, find peace etc. and often they will hit these walls in which the material just doesn’t work for them or apply to them.

As a matter of fact, I was just listening to an audio meditation with Geneen Roth who I love, from her book When Food is Love (as I am currently working on my relationship with my body and food) and in it she asks, what is the tone of your relationship with your mother?, in the visualization. If I was in my twenties or early thirties that question would have sent me into a flashback and even now, it was not something I could even approach within 15 seconds, given during the visualization.

In another part of the visualization, she says now walk over to your father and stand before him… if you are like many of the women I work with who were sexually violated by their fathers or step fathers, just this one part of the meditation could send them into a triggered state. 

It often feels as if we are in a category all our own with particular needs and aspects of ourselves that need to be addressed before we can effectively apply some of these self help concepts.

You just can’t tell the woman who was repeatedly raped as a child to think happy thoughts and you can change your life.

And for some this may sound very victim-y, but I think it is a true reality for many women who are victims of abuse. And when these events occurred during the formative years of a person’s life, the beliefs formed there are deeply engrained and become a part of how the person moves in the world, relates to themselves and others.

To restructure and recondition the mind and body, takes time, effort, therapy, body centered practices, community, love, compassion, and so much more than a book could ever offer. 

This is an important realization even for me, as I am always looking for that perfect book that will have the perfect answer for my not so perfect problem.

I am learning to let go of that and take the wisdom imparted and learn what I can and continue to do the trauma work as well.

Enjoy!

First I’d like to send love to all the people affected by the tornado in Oklahoma, my prayers are with you. I can’t imagine that kind of devastation. I hope that you will get what you need in the coming months as you rebuild. I know for the many who lost loved ones it is a different kind of rebuilding.

Today I needed a little extra faith. I needed to know everything was going to be okay, and my body needed to know it too. I needed to know I was safe.

I was grumpy, and achy.

I had a twinge in my back a few days ago that really scared me as I’ve had such a difficult history with back issues, including surgery last July. As soon as I felt that twinge, fear took over, the stories popped in my head of how I should have lost more weight by now, its my fault, I had time, here goes my body again etc.

The difference today is that I didn’t believe them as much as I used to. I decided I would take some time off of any creating type of work (I have a new course I’m working on) and just relax, listen to some of my inspiring Audible selections, do some real deal journaling where I freewrite what’s going on in my head, my feelings, my fears. I’m good at avoiding journal writing because I know it usually means I’m going to face myself on the page.

Today I took care of myself and met myself on the page and dealt with some of the feelings that are coming up for me around my body, betrayal, men and security.

All biggies for me, all seem to be coming up at once and so I’m trying to take it slow. There is no rush to heal.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone who was very special to me and who betrayed me deeply and I felt some closure around that, but I also think it kicked up other feelings as well and so I am keeping an eye on that, breathing through it, honoring it, being with it. There is a lot of work there still to be done but the conversation led to me releasing another layer of it and for that I am grateful.

I’ve been in such a positive space lately that I was caught off guard by my own grumpiness! Which is kind of delightful in a way. There was  a time I was just grumpy all the time and being in a good mood was a rarity.

Well enough rambling. I made the above painting tonight, her name is Faith. She is available if anyone is interested, email me.

I love her.

The answer to this is simple:

Do YOU need to tell your story?

Yes I know I am answering a question with a question.

But the truth is, one really needs to search within themselves and find what is right for them. I personally have found it very helpful to tell me story in very safe spaces.

I can count on my hand how many times I’ve told my story in groups (groups where I was a participant) and of course, it is usually a very general version of it. In therapy, I have told it on occasion, sometimes specific details and usually when related to something that is happening. When starting with a new therapist I have told the general gist of what happened to me as a child because you just can’t treat me as a therapist without knowing it all.

Recently, I was a part of a discussion on this topic, in a fabulous Facebook group and this is some of what I said:

I think sharing it over and over is not healthy either. I do think that having some safe spaces to share is important, whether it is once, twice, three times or however many times it takes. For me I spent a few years in therapy revealing parts of my story slowly over time and it was important for me to do so. I spent a lot of time talking about daily stuff and then once in a while I would talk about my childhood, but I needed that and for me it was freeing because I had never told anyone the depth of what happened. I needed to have the mirroring that what happened was not okay, because I didn’t understand how not okay it was (this was in my twenties).

Then later in the journey, the telling of the story was usually related to something that was coming up in my life, an event related to whatever was “up” for me.

This kind of sharing has always been healing for me personally.

On my blog I rarely share details of what happened to me as I do not want to trigger others. I share bits and pieces when it is of service to the topic at hand and try never to be explicit. It’s just unnecessary in my opinion. (There is a time and place to be explicit and its with my therapist because I don’t have to worry about her feelings, or taking care of her, or whether it will trigger her.)

I truly believe though that if there is shame associated with your story, speaking it in front of someone safe, is a huge part of healing shame.

Shame needs the light and witnessing.“

I’d like to add that when it comes to sexual abuse survivors, secrecy and not telling anyone is how we survive, but it is also how we stay stuck in the shame of it. My perspective is that it is helpful for sexual abuse survivors to speak their story, whatever they remember, in small bits, not all at once and with the help of a licensed therapist who can slow them down, hold safe space so as not to re-traumatize them and keep track of dissociative signals in the client, helping them come back in the room if they begin to “float away”.

I also want to point out that there is a difference between telling your story like you are reciting a well known story, without emotion and disconnected from what you are saying and actually telling it from a place where you are processing what you are saying, you are tapping into the feeling of it. I used to say my story without any emotion. Now my voice quivers and gets lower, I feel something bubbling inside of me, I slow myself down and take deep breaths, I feel my feet on the ground and stop when it feels right. Afterward I allow myself to recover, to process and take time for myself, usually alone time.

I’ve also told my story in my unpublished memoir: My Voice of Truth: Distorted Beginnings, because I am a writer and I primarily make meaning through words. I’ve shared parts of it with different people, but I did it for me. I wrote it so that I could articulate the repeated traumas from my childhood, because I needed to and it helped immensely. I don’t know if I will ever publish it, but I know I was meant to write it and I healed layers of my pain in the writing of it.

It’s all very individual though and we all must find what works for us. A good question to ask, is do you need to tell your story? And if the answer is yes, then find a way, a safe space, a journal, a canvas, a group, where you feel safe to be witnessed and held in your pain.