Day 365 The Journey of Yes One Year Later [entry-title permalink="0"]

day 359

 

Today is day 365 of my Journey of Yes.

This year has been a truly transformative year for me. What started as a way of regaining my health, ended up giving me so much more. Although I haven’t lost a ton of weight, my life has truly changed for the better in so many ways.

 

It started with just walking. I wanted to see how far I could go.

I was afraid.

You can even see my fear in some of those early video diaries.Watch this one for a laugh!

I was afraid to walk by myself, I was afraid of being out there and needing to go to the bathroom or not having enough water. I have Diabetes Insipidus (not diabetes) which causes me to drink enormous amounts of water and be in the bathroom every 20 minutes when I am not on meds.

When I am symptomatic, it is quite frightening and without water I would go into shock and die. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is very scary.

On meds it is much better but even with meds, I have about an hour in me before I have to go. And so long walks without a place to stop at, caused me to really panic in the beginning. Going anywhere far since I’ve been diagnosed made me super anxious.

I quickly learned to take care of myself, to walk somewhere, where there was a bathroom at the end of round one of the walk. I brought water, and my meds with me and I eventually ended up walking 4-5 miles three-four times a week. I did this from August 1st to about mid November.  I recorded myself which helped and asked others to join me in saying yes and they did. The Journey of Yes program was born.

In November, I hired a personal trainer  because I knew I wouldn’t be able to walk in the winter. I didn’t want anything to derail my efforts.  During this time with my trainer, I learned that my body could do a lot more than I thought it could and that my limitations were only in my mind.

This was huge for me because I had bought into the story that I just couldn’t do certain things.  Before long I was doing “modified” burpees, squats, and all kinds of physical exercises I never knew I could do.

It was a really big deal.

I ate differently, mostly a Paleo type diet. Grassfed beef, organic chicken, veggies, some raw dairy.  My blood levels became the best they had ever been. For the previous 10-15 years my triglycerides were too high, my LDL was always too high and my HDL (good cholesterol) was always too low. All went into normal range.

My energy levels shifted from being tired all the time to having so much energy, I didn’t know what to do with it. I was alive and happy. The years of depression truly couldn’t reach the state I was in. It had no room to take hold.

I am not going to say it was easy. The food part was the hardest and still is. I love food, I love cakes, and brownies, and sweets and salty things too. I didn’t lose a ton of weight because the food part was iffy at times. But I kept at it.

I’m still at it.

Depression and anxiety, are always there in the background and sometimes they come to the foreground but now they definitely have less of a hold on me.

Something happened during this year, something happened mentally that makes it very hard to fall back into apathy and feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and omgdoom! (my former MO). 

Being in this kind of flow causes you to look at your life differently. It helps you to see beyond the wounds, beyond the fear into the possibilities. And while I am not immune to having my moments and even periods of time when I feel like I am going backward, I am never there for too long and there is this new frame of reference. There is this new history of being in flow that I can call upon and return to again and again.

 

The walking, the challenging myself and  what I believed I could do, changed me and how I perceived myself, my body and my life.

I learned to love myself no matter what weight I am at.

I learned to trust myself.

I learned to take risks, to live my life from a place of what “I can do” not from a place of what I can’t.

I just became happier and freer.

People around me in my personal life could see the difference, people online were making the same remarks about how I had a glow about me.

The thing was I could feel the glow, I could feel myself beaming.

I felt myself shining bright and at times it was a little scary and I wondered about shining “too” brightly but I learned not to dim my light to make others more comfortable.

It is something I am still learning. 

 

So here I am shining and celebrating cause I just love celebrating.

 

Here is a list of what I moved through this year:

 

I jumped on a plane and went to see a good friend I met online. I do not think I had been on a plane in over 10 years!

Just a year before I started saying yes, a herniated disc in my back exploded and I could not walk for 6 weeks. I was in the worst agony I have ever experienced. No medication could touch it. During that time I was part of a core energetics group and I literally ended that group on my back on a mattress on the last day because I didn’t want to miss our last weekend together. I ended up having surgery and I took a year off of doing any intense personal work.  Fast forward a year later, I joined the group again. This time around after saying yes, I ended it singing and speaking my truth in front of everyone, on my feet. I had one of the best experiences of my life this year in Core.

 

I sang and practiced a song for months and ended up recording it in my friend’s studio. It was a beautiful experience for me to hear my voice, my beautiful voice and have it acknowledged by others. A true healing from the years of having no voice.

 

Released some weight and kept most of it off.What’s even better is that I feel more connected to myself and my body, no matter what weight I am at.

 

Fell in love with walking.

 

Challenged what my body could do and found out it could do a whole lot!

 

I have been healthy for two years now after years of chronic illnesses since the age of 30. I still have pain daily but it is not like before, nothing like before. This right here is so huge for me. It is a testament to my self care (nutrition, exercise, daily practices) and the flow I feel in my life.

 

I really like myself and I am gentler in how I talk to myself.

 

Selfies have become part of my healing process, helping me heal the ugly duckling I have always felt like inside.

 

My paintings have soared.  I am more in touch with who I am as an artist. Just launched my artist site which I love and I continue to share my art which takes quite a bit of guts (my fellow artists will know what I’m talking about here).

 

I have become much clearer on the work that I do in the world, both the healing work and my art. It is always evolving. It’s okay if something doesn’t work, it’s not the end of world anymore, it’s just information. (still learning this)

 

I attract money with more ease than I ever did before. 

 

I invested in my business in many ways. Took some financials risks which continue to pay off.

 

I started to document my journey through video and photos which meant being visible and seen and taking a huge risk of failing in front of everyone…I did it anyway.

 

This summer, I let go of my coaching clients after making the decision to take my coaching practice in another direction.  Scared much?

 

I decided to come out as an artist in my own town, which felt risky to me but I did it and now have my art hanging in a local restaurant with plans to continue to show my art in other establishments.

 

I love myself so much more than I ever did. I say yes a lot more in my life now. I give my focus to what I want to say yes to instead of what I don’t want in my life. It is a radical shift.

 

I still have a ways to go and some days I still struggle with old habits of thinking and the food is still hard, but it’s different, I’m different.

I do believe that experience of being totally incapacitated allowed me to fully appreciate my life and opened me up to a new way of experiencing my life. I believe that not being able to walk, caused me to take up walking a year later in August of 2013. And walking brought me home to myself.

I am learning to find the courage to own the difference while still standing on my own growing edge and feeling the delightful and sometimes painful longing for more expansion.

I’m going to be okay.

I never really knew that before.

Today I am saying yes to life, yes to being more of me, yes to continuing to find my own voice of truth and to share it with those who want to hear it. Yes to healing, yes to love, yes to a deeper truth and connection with myself, yes to my own spirituality in whatever form it takes.

Yes to abundance, and energy and expansion in both my life, business and my heart.

Looking forward to Year Two of this journey. Thank you so much for being here and being a part of it. Here is a little slideshow of my journey.


Day 365 Video Diary