My Healing Journey with Men Continues [entry-title permalink="0"]

 

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What happened in my most recent core energetics therapy weekend,  was huge for me in the healing of my relationship with men.

This is probably one of the more vulnerable things to share as it is still “in process”. I have not arrived anywhere with it yet, I have not conquered or healed my relationship with me completely but I am on my way. So I am sharing from the unfinished place and hope that this touches those who need it most.

 

My group consists of 5 men and 6 women.

Working with the men this year has been really important for me.

As a survivor of sexual abuse, and growing up with a father that did not protect me which later led to having some very dysfunctional relationships in my adult life with men, my trust in men has been almost non existent.

So my work is to trust men more, to discern a safe man from a man who is not, to learn how to be intimate with a man in a healthy way. Part of my journey of yes work is saying yes to love and in order to do that there is a lot of work leading up to that particularly owning myself as a sexual being, as a woman, standing in my power, and not shrinking with men.

 

After my last relationship I shut it down so to speak and retreated from the betrayal not only by him but because of how I betrayed myself in both of my major relationships.

 

During our group,  some little girl stuff came up for me, around wanting a Dad to protect me.  Later in that process the facilitator asked me if I could also own the woman in me and her possible attraction for a man in the room.

Well….uh, I skirted that really quick and tried to avoid answering. We were on limited time that evening and I felt it was too big of a piece for me to go into with the evening closing. At least that is what I said and while partly true, I was terrified to go into it.

When I left I was with one of the girls in my group and we were talking in the car on the way home about the whole attraction thing. 

I confessed that I am attracted in some way to all of the men in the room. I said this as if realizing it for the first time and in a sense I was. It was the first time I was admitting it to myself and to another person.

I realized as I said it that there is nothing wrong that, that I don’t have to do anything about it, it doesn’t have to go anywhere, but that I could own that.

So I decided as we are coming to the end of our 10 months together, that a part of my own personal work would perhaps be to admit that to the group. So on Saturday I said that I had something I needed to share as part of my work this year.

I stood in front of the entire group and admitted that I was attracted in some way to every man in the room. I was hoping that would be it, as my heart was about to leap out of my chest and I so wanted to hide after that…but of course they had me go further and asked me/invited me to make contact with every man in the room, as in look at them and if I wanted to, tell them what is attractive about them.

This was scary, this was huge, and I knew I needed to do it, but oh boy! I was nervous the first two men but as I went on, I became even more comfortable and people were noting that as I went on, I became what I was projecting on them.

I was saying someone was confident, and sexy, and why, and apparently I was becoming those things the more I moved through the room.It was all very exciting and scary…how many times have I said scary?? I finally got to the last man in the room, the man who has been helping me find my voice with song and that one was harder, and more vulnerable for me as I did not want anything to get weird. 

Now I know that even if it is weird, I’m not owning that. I won’t be taking on anyone else’s feelings around this as I normally do.

It was an amazing experience for me, very healing, still processing it, still breathing that in. I became a little emotional when I got to the man who has been helping with the song as there was a little bit more there than with the other men, but I’m okay with just putting that out there and I have no attachment to going further with any of them.

 

This was and is for ME. A step I needed to take in my journey with men.

One of the women pointed out that the energy and attraction I have is mine, it is an energetic thing within me and is not dependent on anyone.

I can really feel that.

I can really feel that coming alive in me not just with men but in my world.

 

The women were also very proud of me, which felt so nice. Some of the guys reflected some things back to me..one guy said you have the biggest balls of all, which was quite funny. I think the men got something out of it too, to be looked at and admired and feel seen.

Huge work, feeling blessed and breathing it all in.