Weight Loss: Choosing Me [entry-title permalink="0"]

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I have lost 21 lbs since August..very slowly and in a very healthy way. Today as I write this I can feel the pride in that.

There have been ups and downs, a month there were I gained some of the pounds I lost, even while working with a trainer.

I’ve struggled with food and working out and my stories around not being able to, not wanting to be deprived, blah, blah..those stories served me for a while but they don’t anymore.

I am about to hit my 2nd goal and I have about 2 more goals after that to hit before I am where I want to be, but I’m a third of the way there.

Reflecting on the journey so far, I think what I didn’t get and what people don’t get is that it takes a lot of time, and work.I have worked hard for every single pound lost. No quick fixes, no crash diets, no liquid diets, no shakes, no cleanses (not that there is anything wrong with a good cleanse now and again). I have just been eating real food, three meals a day and no packaged or boxed snacks. I’ve had to give up some really engrained habits and it has been painful at times. I love bread, dairy, sugar, pasta, but for now these foods trigger a cycle of hunger, cravings and dare I say insanity that I cannot control.

The other thing that’s really super important and crucial to seeing it through..you have to really want it but you also have to be ready for it.

Weight serves a purpose..that purpose doesn’t go away because you decide you are going to go on a diet. In fact it will become more determined in fact, the more you push the other way. Without acknowledging the very real reasons you are overweight and healing that, you are just fighting yourself every step of the way.

I did that for years and for some parts of this journey I have found myself doing that.

Weight was my protection from being seen and approached by men, weight was my armor. Being small meant being vulnerable, being unable to protect myself. All stories I carried from childhood, all stories that served me and kept me safe but stopped serving me as an adult woman who wants to be seen and loved and feel sexy, and beautiful. A woman who wants to feel strong and healthy.

So all those times I used to get frustrated if I didn’t see results in the beginning and quit or if I hit a plateau, at some point, again, I would use it as an excuse to quit and go back to my old patterns of eating and lack of movement. Why, because the part of me that wanted to stay safe, not make waves, stay hidden was stronger than the part of me that wanted to be seen. Working on this has been crucial. Also working with men: my trainer is a man, my massage therapist is a man, there are several men in my core group that I’ve done some work with in and out of the group that has helped me to step out and be seen. Very simple, and what may seem like baby steps have allowed me to get more comfortable with releasing the weight.

Finally, knowing that I am “in it for the long haul”, that I am “saying yes to my body, and to me” changes everything for me. I can have an off month but it doesn’t mean its over..living and being healthy is not something you do for a period of time and then your done. When I first started this journey I felt like I was at a crossroads, I could continue to be sick and unhealthy and end up reliant on my adult daughter eventually or I could get healthy and go down a road where I am more independent, healthy and strong.

I chose the latter. I chose me.