Pieces of Me #3 Childhood Photos and Finding Little Steph [entry-title permalink="0"]

 

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I don’t have very many childhood photos.
The story is painful about why I don’t have them. It is a story of withholding from my mom, she wouldn’t let me have any of them. Years later the albums were lost as a result of her eventual eviction years after I left her home.
The few I do have, I managed to sneak out of my mother’s apartment in my twenties.
I’ve come to terms with the reality of this.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will never know what that little girl looked like fully, that I will never see moments captured that might give me insight into so many things.  Perhaps that is the fantasy, that I could somehow glean the truth of things through those photos and therein lies the deep longing.
I’ve come to terms with much of this, but coming to terms, doesn’t mean there isn’t a residue of pain.
Sometimes a picture surfaces, like this one and I get to see little Stephanie. I ooh and ahh about her as if she is some separate being, because in many ways she is.
I always wonder about her.
She is another formation of me, without the knowledge I have now and so I wonder a lot about what she was thinking at certain times when all seemed so confusing and lost.
And since I do not have the benefit of childhood photos, it is even harder to thread together that story. And I can’t help but long for that because for me, the writer, the storyteller, the memoirist, the woman who makes meaning and sense of the past with words…story is everything.
This picture surfaced today. It was posted on my sister’s wall over a year ago by my aunt who I also have no contact with.
I never saw it till today.
Today, I feel like I found another small piece of me.
As I look at this photo, I am first struck by the long hair, the smile, the eyes, the light in her even though by this time, things have gone horribly wrong.
I feel great love for this little girl and want to keep looking at her.
It also brings up a mixed bag of emotions… pain, heartbreak, sadness, wonder, joy, relief and gratitude.
She came today, in perfect time I suspect and I’m going to open up to what she has for me and let it in and breathe.