Pieces of Me #1
This weekend I stood up in my core group and did some deeply personal and hard work in front of everyone along the lines of sexuality and power. When anyone stands up in the group, it means, okay, I’m ready to work, to go deeper into something that is stirring.
It was uncomfortable, but I was fully in it. In fact that’s when I know I’m fully in it..when I get so uncomfortable I want to crawl under a rock, and yet I still commit to doing a piece of work knowing how much I will feel awkward, embarrassed, and afraid. The key is that I feel safe enough to do it anyway.
I chose a man in the group to stand in front of. And yes I chose the one who scared me the most. The one who has laser like intensity. That one, because I knew I would waver, I knew I would want to hide and go find that rock. I needed someone who would stay with me in it. And he did.
I reclaimed some of my power and sexuality. We didn’t actually “do” anything sexually, it was all about energy, all about voice and reclaiming me. I also was able to do some really powerful cathartic work around “I won’t” and learned a lot about how I withhold and disengage even though, what I really want is to be “met”. What I really want is to be in the “ring” with someone not to fight but to be met intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, and yes sexually.
The truth is there are so many layers to healing sexual trauma and abuse and most of it is just plain uncomfortable, but I wouldn’t give up the opportunity to do this work on myself and with others for anything. It is rich, meaningful, so life and heart “opening”. It is big and important work and I am grateful for it.
Even if it makes me want to crawl under a rock and hide for days. I know I am finding myself in it and it’s so worth it.