28 Days of Truth, Art and Healing: Day #26 Being Too Much [entry-title permalink="0"]

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I struggle with feeling like I am too much. I have a very strong voice that… and this where I walked away from this blog post for hours.

I wrote the above line and allowed myself to get distracted for quite a few hours and I found it interesting….now I walked away for a few more hours. The ellipsis represents each time I walked away from this post!

I often find myself second guessing postings on social media, second guessing sharings in groups, second guessing celebratory posts of something wonderful because I am afraid of being too much. Too much in my light and too much in my darkness.

A couple of days ago, I shared part of one of my nine letters to my various childhood abusers and found myself wondering if it was too dark to share, if I would be tainting the interwebz with such a horrible truth. I’ve also had some great things happen over the past year and I am always up for celebrating, not as a way of bragging but as a way to share my joy…..

I guess I am really surprised that such a big part of this is worrying about what others will think of me and I really thought that..that that was over. Ha! Right.

And because so much of me is out here on the web, having been a blogger for over 6 years and being an outspoken survivor, I periodically, struggle with feeling like I am “too much.”

This carries over into other areas of my life, not just on the internet. Even when I do my own personal work in groups, I’m usually the one heading to my seat before its time, trying to cut the work shorter toward the end of it, because I feel like I have taken up too much space.

My work around this is to be okay with shining my light and sharing the darker parts of me (and perhaps changing my perception about the “darker parts” and renaming them?). Another piece of this, is to also have things that are private, just for me and being more discerning with what I choose to share  and when and if I choose to share it.

To have times of going in and not sharing as much, and times when I am willing and more open to share my heart and my truth. It’s okay to ride the waves and honor my own rhythm,  and go at my own speed with my truth practice. Because even though I am modeling how to stand in your truth, I am also just a woman with delicate truths, who must figure out what is okay for her, before I can effectively be an example of standing in one’s truth.

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Of course these past twenty something days has really brought this up for me in a big way,  since I have been consistently sharing my heart and truth with you, and isn’t that perfect?

Perfect that I saw Tracy Verdugo post about blogging all month, and perfect that I decided to do it as well, and perfect that I really decided to share my truth with you.

Believe me there were times when I just didn’t want to share, when I just wanted to post a pic and be done with it.

But I didn’t.

I shared my truth, my deep heart truth and I bumped up against this feeling of “being too much”, oh so perfectly.

I bumped up against it, so that I could begin to own all of me, even more.

Thank you for being loving witnesses and I hope it helps you to know these places within yourself and to let your light and your truth be seen and heard even when you think you are “being too much.”