28 Days of Truth, Art and Healing: Day #25 Trigger Warning, A Letter to One of My Abusers [entry-title permalink="0"]

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I’ve been debating whether to share one of the excerpts from my book, My Voice of Truth: Distorted Beginnings, but on Day 25 I feel really clear that this is what I need to share.

A little back story…As part of my healing process, 6 years ago, I wrote 9 letters, one for every man who violated me as a child. Here is an excerpt to one of them. For me, being able to speak directly to each man and articulate what was done to me in the clearest language I could, was so important for my healing.

Please do not read if you are in a fragile place. I’m leaving out the part where I describe in detail what he did to me so as not to trigger anyone reading this, but the rest may also be triggering if you have experienced sexual abuse.

Please take care of yourself.

“As you asked my mother for a date, it was me you were after.   I was the plan, already marked as less than human to you, a tool  for your satisfaction.  There wasn’t even a thought or care about what it would do to me, was there?

And when my small body responded to you, I’m sure your twisted mind took this to mean that I wanted it.   This is part of how you pretend to be sane and live an otherwise normal existence while you creep your filthy hands up little girl’s skirts. You imagine this unique connection, you imagine that this little girl likes you and wants you.  That she is your girl, your special girl, there just for you and only you. 

 

I’m here to tell you, that little girls want you as much as they want needles in their eyes, as much as they want to be set on fire or drink rat poison and die.

 

 This is not an exaggeration.  

Men like you delude themselves into believing that we are loving and wanting you back, when all that we are doing is escaping your touch, by going far, far away to a place where you cannot touch us, where your insanity cannot reach.

I now speak for the little girl I once was and that little girl never wanted you to put your dirty hands on her.  She could never want you sexually or otherwise.  All you did was create a physiological reaction, no wondrous feat.  Nothing a real man would need to be considered a man.   What you did to me goes beyond the fact that you molested me in those moments in my living room when I was ten years old.   What you did forever changed who I became, who I trusted, who I gave my love to and how I walked in the world.  You changed how I would feel about myself as a sexual being and how I would feel about men who wanted to be sexual with me.  All attempts at normal sexual interaction were tainted by your violations of me.   For years I would feel guilt about being turned on, about wanting to be close to someone sexually.  You did that.   You don’t deserve that kind of power. 

Today, I choose to change how I look at you, myself, and what happened. 

I release the heavy darkness that comes over me when I think of you. I release the shame and guilt for having responded to you physically. I release the sadness over not being protected and not being able to protect myself. I release my anger and hatred of you, knowing that it will take time to let it all go.  I release the distrust I have in all men because of the evil you showed me.  

As of today I embrace the sexual woman that I am and have every right to be.  I embrace my divine right to my sexuality and love for my body.

I choose to take back my power and relinquish yours.

 From now I on I decide who I become, who I trust, who I choose to love.  I decide how I walk through this world. 

As for you, you are like a dead man walking, a wasted life that could have been a light to others.  There is the shame.

Stephanie”