First I’d like to send love to all the people affected by the tornado in Oklahoma, my prayers are with you. I can’t imagine that kind of devastation. I hope that you will get what you need in the coming months as you rebuild. I know for the many who lost loved ones it is a different kind of rebuilding.
Today I needed a little extra faith. I needed to know everything was going to be okay, and my body needed to know it too. I needed to know I was safe.
I was grumpy, and achy.
I had a twinge in my back a few days ago that really scared me as I’ve had such a difficult history with back issues, including surgery last July. As soon as I felt that twinge, fear took over, the stories popped in my head of how I should have lost more weight by now, its my fault, I had time, here goes my body again etc.
The difference today is that I didn’t believe them as much as I used to. I decided I would take some time off of any creating type of work (I have a new course I’m working on) and just relax, listen to some of my inspiring Audible selections, do some real deal journaling where I freewrite what’s going on in my head, my feelings, my fears. I’m good at avoiding journal writing because I know it usually means I’m going to face myself on the page.
Today I took care of myself and met myself on the page and dealt with some of the feelings that are coming up for me around my body, betrayal, men and security.
All biggies for me, all seem to be coming up at once and so I’m trying to take it slow. There is no rush to heal.
Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone who was very special to me and who betrayed me deeply and I felt some closure around that, but I also think it kicked up other feelings as well and so I am keeping an eye on that, breathing through it, honoring it, being with it. There is a lot of work there still to be done but the conversation led to me releasing another layer of it and for that I am grateful.
I’ve been in such a positive space lately that I was caught off guard by my own grumpiness! Which is kind of delightful in a way. There was a time I was just grumpy all the time and being in a good mood was a rarity.
Well enough rambling. I made the above painting tonight, her name is Faith. She is available if anyone is interested, email me.
I love her.