28 Days of Truth, Art and Healing - Day #6 Romantic Love Lockdown [entry-title permalink="0"]

Hello Beauties,

I have to say it has been hard coming up with something to write about everyday, yesterday, The Voice, was saying, “your life is pretty boring, you don’t have much to share everyday, do you?”

Ouch.

My inner critic/judge/dictator/gremlin/tyrant doesn’t come up as much as it used to, but it still comes up. Sometimes it leads me to a kernel of truth and sometimes it needs to be quieted by a flood of self love and appreciation.

I realized its not so much that my life is boring and that I don’t have anything to say, its that I’m on the edge of vulnerability and knowing what I want to share and what I don’t want to share.

I’m also wondering about those things I may not want to share and wondering if it is an unwillingness to be that vulnerable or is it me being private and protective or both.

It’s not like I have some grand secret I’m keeping but there are those really raw vulnerable pieces of myself that still bring up feelings of shame, guilt, regret..all of those oh, so nice feelings rolled up into a big ball of yuck.

I tend to like to share once I’ve moved through somewhat, but I wonder if it would be of value for you to see me in the thick of things?

Romantic Love Lockdown

And so I’ll begin with one piece of vulnerability I may not want to share, and will probably feel very exposed for sharing it, but may feel some sense of freedom in letting it out here with all of you. I’ve shared this with my close friends and family, they pretty much know but it is a piece of me that is very hard to reveal.

I am on lockdown to romantic love.

I use that word very precisely. As much as I long for it, there is a part of me that is terrified of putting myself out there again and has locked down that essence that would allow me to even entertain being in a relationship.

I have not dated in four years. Granted I’ve been pouring myself into my business, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a relationship. I am very clear that a dominant part of me, wont’ have a relationship, will not go anywhere near one, as if digging its heels.

Recently, I did a big piece of Core Energetics work and the facilitator asked me as I was standing there, are you with someone..and I said noooooo, just like that. It was more like a “no way”.

I know exactly why he was asking me because he is trained to see where we are blocked and sexual energy being blocked absolutely affects so many things.

So he said, “Oh, I see, so you are on lockdown” and I couldn’t believe he was using my word, the word I had used so many times to describe myself in the romantic arena.

He got it.

He proceeded to have me pick out the most attractive man in the room.

I was horrified. I wanted to die, literally. I had a couple in mind of course (I’m not dead you know) but I was feeling bad about picking someone who may not want to be picked or not picking someone who wanted to be picked. It was of course all about how the other person would feel, a pattern I have in relationships.

And so I chose and he asked the guy to come up.

Can I just say I was mortified, beet red at this point and wanting to crawl under a rock?

He came up and I had to face him and look at him, and we just stood there looking at each other. He asked how does it feel to get picked? And the guy said it felt good and that he was actually having issues around that in his own life.

It’s always so perfect isn’t it, in this work. It’s always the perfect person also getting a need met.

We talked a bit in front of about 25 people and it was nice and he was sweet about it all and then was asked to sit down and some of the work continued…

That night I felt more of my power, more of my Self and got really clear that I have chosen to lock myself away from romantic love because I don’t want to be in a relationship, because I am not ready to be in one, but most of all because I am afraid.

I think about it all the time, and every excuse in the book comes up and so my work now is to find every other reason why I could be in one, why its okay/safe to be in one, why it is my divine right to have romantic love and to believe that it doesn’t always have to hurt.

As you can imagine there has been some serious hurt to lead a person to be on lockdown. It is natural for us to be partnered, it is part of a basic human need and anyone who tells you its not is probably not in touch with it.

I’ve done some healing work around it, but not everything that I need yet and the truth is I’ve neglected that healing to work on my childhood healing which was so huge for me and will definitely have an impact on my relationship when I do have one, so that is good. I don’t know if its time yet, but it is here and life continues to give me gentle nudges in that direction. My work is to remain as open as I can, to listen, to pay attention and to love myself through it, so that when I am in a relationship, I can do the same for my partner…I can be open, listen, pay attention and love him as well. For now I am my own partner and I’m being the best partner I can be. I deserve my own love and that love should never be on lockdown.

Thank you for being my witnesses in something very personal and raw.

Much Love, Stephanie