People might wonder why I tend to post positive and inspiring things all the time and yes there are some people who would wonder (I know quite a few of them). I am far from being Pollyanna but there is something about the “light” that attracts me so.
I lived in darkness for most of the early years of my life. Literally shades drawn, doorbells unanswered, no phone, and little communication with the outside world. It’s a wonder I am sane, well sort of sane.
Recently I was tagged in a school photo and a bunch of my former classmates talked about “good times”, “good childhoods” and I realized how disconnected I was from their reality. How I could not possibly be a part of things, with such horror going on at home at the time. It saddened me, but then again, I realized I am not that little girl anymore. I like people, I like connecting, I like talking, I like being me and I don’t have to live that story anymore.
I post about love a lot, I say I love you to people I truly feel love for but may not have ever met. I don’t compare love in degrees or try to quantify it. I love. Period. And I want to experience my life through light and love colored lenses because I lived in the grips of so much hate growing up.
I don’t want nor need to post about controversial topics, as I’ve had enough controversy in my life. I don’t want to post about things that don’t matter to me.
This is not a denial of the very real pain I still feel, or the things that get me down, or the patterns that still take hold.
Some people may feel that by posting in their blog or other social media outlets, about very real and perhaps painful things, they are somehow not projecting the positivity they want to project, or being a good example to others, or whatever story they have made up about being real.
But I am learning that by sharing some of my pain, my vulnerabilities, my fears, my nervousness, my excitement, my wonder, my joy, what I am super duper grateful for, the things I am celebrating about me and the women I work with, and the wonderful people in my life, I am sharing the light of who I am.
I cannot separate those very real parts of me and paint some of them black and others white. I’m okay with sharing all of it because it inspires others to be vulnerable, to speak their truth and to love themselves even in the darkest moments and that is me, shining my light.
I emanate the light within me because I had to dim it, and keep it secret for most of my childhood.
I don’t have to anymore.
I don’t have to live with the shades drawn over my precious life. I don’t have to be alone and isolated from the loves of my life. I don’t have to shut it down, you name it, life force, creativity, sexual energy, any of it, in order to survive.
I have survived. I am here, I am alive and I choose to bathe in the light of life.