Healing often means one shift, one moment at a time. These small shifts add up to bigger shifts that then begin to yield different results. There is no one course, one workshop, one therapy session that will do this.
Yes we will all have aha moments, yes we will never forget that time when.. And yes we will have deep connected moments in which we feel changed. On rare occasions people will have a moment that transformed their very lives and it is often one of extreme pain or extreme joy, something that forever changes them. For most us we are living in the one shift, one moment at a time healing track and with that we need to have a great deal of patience, love and understanding for ourselves as we grow into new ways of being, little by little.
We have put entirely too much pressure on the word healing, and made it into a destination of complete wholeness and being completely unaffected by anything related to the thing we healed.
We cannot understand when our shit comes up around the same thing again, we exclaim, “but I thought I healed that, I thought that was over, I thought I had moved on.”
Healing happens in layers. Once we heal one layer there is usually another layer underneath that, needing our attention.
We often do not see the shifts immediately. We often feel like the same person, because we are.
If we are always looking for the magic hit, that magic bullet,the person that will deliver us, the bathroom floor moment when all will be revealed to us, we may end up in deep dissatisfaction with our lives, feeling lost, and in a constant crisis of faith. Healing will remain elusive to us by virtue of the definition we have given it.
I write this today because I’ve lived it. I’ve been the impatient one, the one wanting my big transformative moment. I remember being a little girl sitting in church and hearing people testify about that one moment, that one moment, they heard the booming voice of God and they knew, something, was forever changed in them. I wanted that moment. I cried and prayed for that moment as a child. I begged for that moment and when God did not deliver his booming voice to my bed on the livingroom floor, I felt abandoned and alone. I felt like I was not one of the special people who got to hear his voice and I would never be. It made me feel separate and less than.
I’ve heard of others, spiritual leaders like Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle, talk about their one moment.
Byron Katie says, “ I was deeply depressed for ten years, alcoholic, obese, agoraphobic, suicidal. I didn’t think that there was a way out. Every day I wanted to die. During the last two years of this, I could hardly leave my bedroom. I slept with a loaded pistol under my pillow. I would sometimes go for two weeks without being able to bathe or brush my teeth, so intense was my self-loathing.
Then one morning in February 1986, out of nowhere, I experienced a life-changing realization. I sometimes call it “waking up to reality”.
Eckhart Tolle’s moment went something like this:
At 29, Eckhart Tolle suffered severe depression, bringing him to the point of suicide. In a desperate final hour, he claims hearing a voice within saying, “Resist nothing.”
I have spent many years chasing my moment.
Even after writing about healing in layers, even after doing so much of my own little by little healing work and seeing results in my consciousness, I think a part of me was still waiting for my moment, wishing for something that would completely transform me. I was believing that old belief, that I was broken and needed fixing.
I thought it came last year when I couldn’t walk for almost two months and had to surrender to the help of others in the simplest of things. I thought for sure that was my moment.
I came out of my spinal surgery feeling completely altered by what happened. But within weeks I found myself to be the same person, with the same hangups, with the same habits, with the same insecurities. And I grew sad and depressed about it, not realizing how many moments I’ve had, how much I’ve changed over the last few years.
I negated my experience because it didn’t transform me completely. What a shame. I missed my lesson, I missed the gift and the wisdom in it, the messages from Spirit, the grace, the everything.
This is what we do when we take a workshop, or start working with a therapist, we pin it all on that one thing, that one time period and when it doesn’t transform us, we say “it didn’t work”. But how much are we missing in that time in the therapist office when we struggled with our feelings about ourselves, about him/or her, how much are we missing when disregard the resistance we feel in a course?
We miss everything.
There is gold in there but since it did not “change us”, make us thinner, more self confident, wealthier, help us find the right partner, make us feel more in control…it must not have worked.
Now I am seeing each and every moment or periods of time as my string of moments leading me closer to my connection to myself, to Spirit and thereby healing me. I am seeing the journey. And when I find myself seeking the savior, the moment, the thing, I just let myself know I am okay, right now, right where I am. I pull up my list of all the ways I am healing every single day. I soothe myself and nurture myself because all that is, this chasing of transformation; is fear, fear of never being enough, never being who I think I should be, never being worthy.
When I chase the fix, the one transformative moment that will forever alter my life, I am escaping me, in the here and now, I am running. I am afraid of being who I am, right here, right now.
I write this with deep stirrings in my heart, and tears because I can feel such deep truth in this. I hope you feel it too. I know I am not alone in this and I want you to know you are not alone. Just remember,
“I am here now, here and this place is beautiful and fraught with wisdom, grace, love, and with everything I need for my journey”
“I love accept myself as I am, right here, right now”
“I am willing to know myself in this place, right here, right now”