“The healing comes first from recognizing your fear, from honoring the coping mechanism that has worked for you all these years, recognizing the ways it is no longer serving you and then learning how to change, and do the opposite of what you’ve been doing. If you run, stay, if you shut down, open, if you freeze, move, if your go to is rage, cry, if your go to is to collapse in tears, stand in your anger. The healing also comes from staying, from remaining open, from allowing yourself to feel those scary feelings as well as allowing yourself to feel the safety and love you now have, to feel your own power and strength.”
When I feel hurt, I shut down. I isolate, I go into a cynical, angry place, a “I knew this would happen”, “see you can’t trust anyone”, “I just won’t open myself to anyone” place.
I immediate try to protect myself by replaying what happened and replaying how I could have done it differently, and what I could do to protect myself next time. Because under no circumstances can this happen again. I internalize a lot too and so somehow it becomes about me being wrong, me doing something wrong and when I am in that shame, I feel wrong as a person, and I don’t want to let anyone in. There is some freezing in this, some shock, because I am often shocked when someone is hurtful. I want to just stay put, perhaps crawl under the covers and I do not want to be seen in my pain.
That is my pattern, and that is what gets in the way of my healing because what I need more than anything is connection, what I need more than anything is support and love. I need to be held in my pain. I need to know I am going to be okay. I need someone to help me see myself beyond this space I am in.
I need someone to remind me that not everyone causes me pain, that in fact I am loved and cared for by many people and that this person or this situation can’t take that away from me. I can’t know that alone, not when I am in this dark place with all the doors locked and I have locked myself away from the world.
And so I heal by doing the opposite. I heal by reaching out even when I don’t want to, I heal by receiving the love and support people offer when I reach out. I heal by acknowledging my part in things as well as my innocence. I heal by having compassion for myself and allowing some space to retreat, which is different from complete isolation.
I heal by knowing the difference.
I heal by listening, by honoring my feelings of resistance, by knowing that I am afraid and that is a natural part of feeling hurt. I heal by loving myself and allowing myself to be loved.
I heal by changing the story of who I think I am in this dark place and allowing the real truth to seep in through the cracks of my despair.
What keeps you from healing?
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