We teach what we most need to learn..and that is why I like to invite women I am working with to check in with themselves and feel what they are feeling and feel their bodies. I also love to invite them into a centering brief meditation that just gets them to let go even just a little, even just for a few minutes. Because the truth is I need to let go more. The truth is, I need to feel what I am feeling, and to feel more own body, more than I have been lately. I have times when I am really present to myself and what is going on in my inner landscape and then there are times when I get really busy, or really anxious about something and start to lose my connection to myself. And while I always come back to myself, those periods of time can turn into pain and sadness if fail to remind myself of what is ultimately true.
I was recently reading, Mark Nepo’s Book of Awakening and came across the following: “Breathe like a fallen leaf and think of nothing. Just breathe and let your heart and mind be carried however briefly, by the spirit you can’t quite see.” I was sitting on my deck at the time, on a glorious beginning spring day. I knew instantly it was what I needed. There was a lot of tension over the previous few days, a lot of decision making angst and so my body and soul said a big yes to the call to just breathe like a fallen leaf, to let myself be carried by the spirit I cannot quite see.
I sat back in the chair, lifted my face to the sun and sunk in pretty quickly as if I had been yearning for this moment for a long time. And then I started to fidget, to put both my legs up, then put one down, then put both down, squirming in the previously comfortable seat. My mind starting going to all that is not quite right, the apartment I’m living in, the fears of moving once again, the recent lack of peace and privacy…oh wait, I’m supposed to be breathing like a fallen leaf, yeah that’s right…back to the breath I went and within seconds, I started fidgeting again, my mind stirring with all that is not quite right. I could feel the edge of my nerves fighting for their dominance, reaching for that fallen leaf to kick it back up into the wind.
I know this is how it goes for many who meditate or try to sit with themselves in silence and so I know I am not the only one or that I am defectively fidgety, but it reminded me of how little I sit with myself. How I am always going and doing something and how I rarely stop and breathe for more than a couple of minutes. It made me wonder about my wanting to get away from the silence and why that is. What is it about being quiet with my own thoughts, with my self that sends me into this state?
If I get quiet enough, I’ll know and if I know I’ll have to act on what I know and the truth is I am afraid.
I seem to have an investment in “I don’t know” stock. Some confusion seems to be a norm for me..born out of a childhood that made little sense and tossed me into confusion often. Being unclear and perhaps even not believing I have the power to control what is next is more comfortable than being absolutely clear and going for it, standing in my own power despite the risk and fear.
So how does one now get invested in the “knowing” stock, in being clear, in trusting and having faith in what is next and in the big picture of our lives? That’s one of those pretty big questions like, the meaning of life question..so I think I’ll start by taking it down a notch. I’ll start with asking how can I be open to the “knowing” and to my own wisdom?
First I’ll need to recognize the shadow and scared parts that keep me from knowing:
The truth is I have a scared little girl inside who is afraid of the future and what it may hold. She is more comfortable just knowing what the next step is and just getting by. It is familiar to her to just have enough to get by, to live in survival mode and just make sure everything okay right now. Big picture is just not her thing and is quite scary to her. And so she needs to know she is safe and that she doesn’t have to make big girl decisions.
I then recognize the part of me that wants to know, that truly wants to be clear:
I also have an adult wise self on board that really is interested in me being open to the amazing possibilities of what is next for me. She wants me to sit, and get quiet and trust and have faith that all will be well and that in fact there is so much inside of me that is ready to be poured out into the world. I just have to be open and willing to let it flow. She knows there is no scarcity of ideas or energy or love. She gets that breathing like a fallen leaf is where the allowing happens and that I just need to go into that space more often and trust the spirit I cannot see. She knows and I want to know what she knows. I want to believe in my own capacity to access my wisdom, in my ability to let go and surrender and some days are easier than others and that means I need to sit and breathe, and trust.
Everyday, I will be finding a little spot to get comfortable in and to breathe and allow my true self enough space to emerge. I am committing to a certain time frame in which I will actively commit to taking out to time to do this. While I want to commit to this for the rest of my life..we’ll start with baby steps, lest saboteurs freak out and creep in to save me from the silence.
2 weeks: 7 minutes each day of breathing like a fallen leaf
To keep me honest I will post updates on the Finding Your Voice of Truth FACEBOOK PAGE
How about you, want to join me? Do you already do this? Are you will to commit to a few days or weeks of just sitting and breathing and allowing?