The more awakened you become to your life, the more awake you are to your patterns of being. As you become conscious of your own thoughts and a witness to your behavior..you can’t help but get pretty clear on your own hangups, idiosyncrasies, avoidance tactics, distorted rationale etc.
So here is the price of being so self aware..I know what I am doing, pretty soon after I do it or sometimes even during. I get it. And lately the pattern that I notice over and over again, is the pattern of holding myself back. I’ve been doing it for years particularly with writing. I will feel the urge to write, I will think about writing quite a bit, and I will actually hold myself back from writing. I will distract myself with other things and sometimes I will sit with that urge stirring in me for days, weeks even (it used to be months and years) building up inside of me and it is like there is this child in me saying “nope, I won’t do it. you can’t make me”. With writing I have been able to overcome this to a large extent but now I see it creeping into other parts of my life..movement (even just taking a walk) and sometimes, lately quite a bit, with my art.
I can see and feel this clearly as resistance. I can feel that there is a part of me that does not want to let the life force through, to fully stand in being here..it is a young part that came into a world that was very scary and never trusted being here, never got to feel the juiciness of life, the zest because she had to shut down her life force in order to survive. She locked her little twirly, jumpy, eager, curious, playful, ball of sunshine away so that they couldn’t get to it. And she still lives inside of me, she is still afraid of being fully alive and putting it all out there.
My job is to help her, coax her out of her hiding spot and show her it is okay to be here, little by little, giving her lots of experiences of safety, love, fun. But I have to go slow and this is where I trip up. I want to go full out and for her to be “there” already and that just isn’t how it works. It reminds me of the trail of M & M’s in ET. Slowly but surely giving her vibrant experiences of life, saying it’s okay to be here, loving her even when she chooses to retreat again.
I have a longing to spend my days writing, arting, creating, supporting, being vibrantly alive in every single moment and perhaps I need to just start with this afternoon. Perhaps I need to start with this moment and breathe in this moment of being fully alive writing this to all of you and feeling the aliveness in this. Perhaps I can slow it down long enough to feel my heart beating a little faster because this post will be sent out to you in a few moments. Perhaps I can feel your presence with me here as I write for me and for you. Perhaps I can feel how very alive I am right here right now as the tears form little puddles in my eyes. Yes, that’s it.