It has been over a week since coming out of the hospital and I can honestly say I feel as if I have been reset. Nothing like a hospital stay to completely change your frame of mind, and your attitude toward your freedom and your life.
After two months of having severe pain on the right side of my head, numerous tests and no answers, I continued to medicate myself with ibuprofen which was the only thing that provided relief. Without it I was left crippled by the pain, no- functional, and at about an 8 or 9 on the pain scale. Unfortunately, this eventually caused a GI bleed which left me with a horrible abdominal pain. I ended up in the emergency room dealing with both the abdominal pain and the now untreated head pain, since I had to stop the ibuprofen which I suspected to be the culprit for the abdominal distress.
For the next four days I was given two strong painkillers (narcotics) a muscle relaxer and various other meds. Some points my breathing slowed so much I would wake up gasping for air. I spent about two hours a day awake, the rest I was in a drug induced sleep. I am the type of person that tends to have a high tolerance for pain and rarely if ever take ibuprofen for the occasional headache, so the past two months and the last four days of this ordeal was spend depending on something outside of myself to provide relief. For me it felt as if my body was not my own, as if it had betrayed me and a lot of feeling came up around this for me.
Being in the hospital was like the final surrender. I couldn’t fight anymore, I couldn’t keep going in this way. So something happened, perhaps it was all the drugs, the neverending sleep, the not having control for those days in the hospital. Something was reset in me.
I have been quite energized since I got home. A day after I arrived at home I went in for a nerve block which has now reduced the pain in the my head down to a 1 sometimes a 2. My neck is sore and sometimes my head is sore, but it isn’t that horrible nerve pain I was in and I am grateful.
I couldn’t wait to feel normal again, to have my life back, to come back to my life at home, my daughter, my dog, the Truth Project girls, my art, my dog and my freedom. And ever since I came home I have been very clear about what I want to do this coming year in terms of my healing work with women and that has felt awesome. I still have my resistance here and there, I am a big procrastinator, an old habit that doesn’t want to die…but I know that either way it will get done.
I am re-evaluating my life and how I do things. I am learning that I need to make some changes to reduce stress in my life, to make things easier and more secure yet fulfilling. I’d like to say I will start things earlier, I will get more sleep, I will give myself more time to complete projects, I will ask for help and realize I do not have to do it on my own..I’d really like to say those things and mean them…working on it. They are on the list of changes I need to make to keep my body healthier and more in tune with the work I am trying to do in the world. No sense in trying to help others while my vehicle is falling apart.
For now I am grateful for dog walks, cooking, doodling, painting, tea leaves in my new steamer cup (thanks Robyn), connecting and sharing with the Truth Project women, talks with my daughter, Christmas spirit rising, my clients, my new Facebook group for writers and the many moments I fall into the daydream of what the Healing Truth Sanctuary will be (launching February 1st).
Lots of joy filled moments in my life and so much gratitude for being alive and well. I thank you all for your well wishes and support.