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This is the last day of my personal 10 day poetry challenge, yay!

This poem comes from a very deep and present part of me. This birthday was laced with hurt and personal conflicts with people I love and I found myself in a dark place while still enjoying the people who were there for me.

It was strange because normally I cannot separate and this time I was able to enjoy myself despite feeling hurt by members of my family. I was able to fully enjoy the people who were with me.

Unfortunately, the next day was another story and the feelings of hurt which of course had not gone anywhere since they had not been felt and processed, came back.  I found myself going easily into the deeply wounded place from long ago. I found that I was experiencing this present hurt, coupled with and magnified by the past hurts in my life.

I almost feel like I am licking my wounds this week, trying recover my sense of self again and separate myself from the hurtful words that were said to me.  It is not easy and I often feel torn between my wounded self and my true self. This is familiar although the situation always changes. I normally am not in conflict with my family members, but there is always something that brings me back to the wounded place, letting me know there is more to heal, more power to reclaim. This poem is about the feeling of being torn between the two parts of me.

Torn

by Stephanie Gagos

Photo Credit: Lauren Treece

 

Torn between

the truth

of who I am

and my broken

shattered self,

wounded

walking in a cavernous

sadness

the light shines

the wind blows

on my face

I remember

who I am for a moment in time

And then swiftly,

often unexpectedly

the world

seems to crash into me

I lose my ground,

my truth

once again

the memory of

who I am

fades

and I can

no longer see,

feel,

or be

One not-so-nice

string of words

directed at me

with fury

sends me back

to the days

of helpless

longing for the pain to end

and then

as if the sky opens up

as if Spirit

extends a hand

a reminder that all is not lost

as if Spirit

is whispering my name

I am transported

back to

the light and

wind across my face

and the truth of my soul

I am transported back

to the love I have

to the precious gifts

bestowed upon me

to the sacred truth

beyond my wounding

and I stay awhile

hoping I will forever

have the hand of

Spirit

extended to me

and hear the whisper of

my name even in,

especially in

the deep sadness