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Today has been a rough day, with lots of body challenges.  The pain I feel physically especially in my legs is constant and sometimes I just break…as in cry, get angry, and want to throw my hands up. All my tools go out the window in those moments and yet I am very clear that I need those moments in order to come to the other side.  I just would really like to know why I am in so much pain and perhaps do something about it. Just being with it kind of sucks sometimes.

In addition to the chronic pain I just found out that the colon polyps I had three years ago should have been rechecked a year later. I was told to have a colonoscopy every three years, at least that is what I distinctly remember. Now that I am living in another state and transferring my records to the new doctor, I was just told the colon polyp I had has a high risk for cancer and that I am now long overdue.  I’m feeling all kinds of emotions, angry, sad, frustrated. Blaming myself, blaming the doctor.  I have had so many health scares in my relatively young life, I can’t help but be scared. Cancer is not new to my body. And so as I sit with this I am aware of  the old feelings of frustration with my body, of feeling betrayed by my body.  I am also aware of my deep gratitude for my body and the journey we have been on together. I truly believe I am a spiritual being having a human experience and that is why I speak of my body as seperate.  It is also the portal through which I am living this life and I can feel that we have not quite found our rhythm yet.

That’s my truth right now.

I am also aware this pain/this possibility of cancer is telling me something. There is a wisdom. My body is speaking and perhaps I am just not listening very well. I kind of do that with myself sometimes. I am really good at listening to others 🙂 Me, not so much.

And so today’s poem comes out what is up for me right now. Some of my previous poems are based on where I have been in my life, but today’s poem is about today, this moment.

My Body Speaks

My body screams

My body urges me

moves me in directions

I often do not want to go

I aim to keep it quiet

to make it lay low

stay under the radar

Don’t look

Don’t touch

Don’t speak

Don’t move too much

shhhhhh

lest they see you, hear you

I hide like I hid

in my little girl body

perhaps it is

my life force

screaming

perhaps it is

energy bound

and gagged

with no where to go

perhaps it wants

to dance

to sing

to move

to run

to fly

to speak

it’s sacred language

of soul emodiment

 and I am holding

it hostage underneath

my fear