[entry-title permalink="0"]

Liv Lane from Choosing Beauty sent out the following invitation after revealing something about herself on her blog which she had some fear around sharing.

Reveal something on your blog about YOU that you haven’t shared yet: a personality trait, a bad habit, an odd talent, a fear, a breakthrough, an opinion, a belief. Then come over to Choosing Beauty and add the link there, to your blog so that others can easily find your post.

So here’s what’s been going on with me which I haven’t shared yet, a set of pesky often paralyzing fears around new ventures, around changing, and growing into the fullness of who I am.

Nothing like making BIG plans to create an online community for women around the topic of healing and truth and childhood wounding…to suddenly stop you in your tracks and scare the crap out of you.

I have been working on creating my own ning (online community) called Healing Truth Sanctuary, a creative space for women to heal childhood wounding…mind, body and soul. Everything is pretty much set up and I am in the process of adding content. But fear has set in and I haven’t even done much to promote it and I have been stalled on content for weeks.  Even though I know exactly what I want to share, the format, the bullet points, the delivery, I have been stalling.

You know when you know and yet you don’t move cause you are too afraid to move. Blah.

I’ve been doing my own healing work now for over ten years, and I have done some pretty intense work on myself and moved through and shifted quite a bit especially after realizing I could not do it through therapy alone. Healing through a body centered and  spirit centered approach propelled more in a few years than several years of sitting in a therapist office. (Let me be clear I think therapy is essential, just not enough for most of us)

I have been working with women on healing their own truths for almost two years now and sharing what I know and my own story since 2006.   I feel like I have so much to share, so much to give in the topic of healing particularly trauma. I believe in the work that I do with women and most of me is clear that my work has a monetary value.

Most of me.

Although I get paid for coaching and I am strong in my belief that I should…coming into the online arena and selling my words (writing), my focus and attention, my facilitation skills, for some reason pushes against my edge.

It is new for me and although I see so many people doing it, because what I do falls under “healing work” I find myself caught up in the abstractness of it. It is not product based. You will not be walking away with painting on canvas, a significant rise in your profits, a fully knit sweater. And because of this and of course the old insecurities that come along for the ride, it feels harder for me to put a value on it.

I know this is exactly where I need to be, and the path my work needs to take right now but I am terrified. And the funny thing is I am terrified in some really dichotomous ways.

For example, I am afraid no one will show up, and I am afraid too many people will show up. I am afraid people will pay the membership fee and not be satisfied, expect more out of me, because they are “paying”, not want to pay, and question why they should pay.

Bottom line I think deep down, in the little girl place, I am afraid that I won’t be enough and that the work I offer will not be valued.

I am afraid I won’t be able to handle it, that I will become overwhelmed, that people will want me to be more than I am or am capable of.  I am afraid of not having the support I need to do this.

And then I am afraid that it will all be perfectly abundant and prosperous and people will want what I have to offer, and people will want to help and they will be excited about what I do and the empire will begin and that’s kind of scary too… in a way I cannot fully explain.

Big breath. Ah, that’s better.

See how I drive myself crazy? Yeah.

So this is my make-peace-with-the-journey-post.

For one this is all perfect for me. I am bumping up against my money ceiling because there is some healing to be done here.

I need to grow out of the skin I am in right now. Truth be told, I am getting too big for my little girl britches.

Stretch out of what I believe about my value and worth.

Step into the real value of what I have to offer and become more in tune with my own enough-ness.

I need to learn to define what I have to offer. I need to get very clear with myself about what I am giving and what I cannot give and don’t want to give.

So far I’ve been stuck in the willy nilly space, resisting getting clear.

And yes, my work has value. I am not a volunteer or a missionary. This is what I do for a living.  This is not a part time job or hobby, this is it. This is my day job and night job and middle of the night job. You get the point.

I believe in investing in our own healing work.

I pay out of pocket for almost everything I do pertaining to my healing work, because it is worth it and because the person offering the service is well, giving me a service. They are giving their time, effort, attention, knowledge and presence to me.

And I believe strongly that there should always be an exchange or else someone walks away feeling screwed.

So this is a pep talk for me and for any of you who in anyway doubts the value of what they are offering.  You put time in to create beauty, value, to offer something you create which people want/need and in turn you get paid. And you deserve to get paid.

How much you get paid is up to you and the value you place on your work.

I am clear that I will make this space beautiful, vibrant, full of value and a safe space for women to support each other in their healing work.  When I do something I put my heart and soul into it. And this work is special and sacred and more than anything I want it to be a sanctuary that assists, provides tools, facilitates and holds the space for healing to occur.

Someone on facebook, said about me…”someone to keep track of to be sure”. How cool is that? I’m going to own that one today.