There is such angst in just writing the title for this blog post. I have been a writer since I was a child. Eleven to be exact, when I started writing screenplays before I even knew what they were.
So why do I stop myself from writing?
As an adult I have raged wars with inner parts that just don’t want me to write, to tell the truth of things, to expose myself and so I wage a war and for weeks and months sometimes I win, sometimes they win. And so I work in spurts and I wish I were more consistent but it is a reflection of the battle that happens within me, dare I say, all the time.
I try not to get down on myself for the days, weeks, and months of nothing at all, but it is hard when your dream has always been to just write, to express yourself, to put meaning to this life through words, to encapsulate the goodness, the pain, the beauty and the sorrow and nothing comes out.
I explore my fears, try to figure out why I am not writing, to trick myself into writing, to soothe myself with the truth that most writers struggle with the blank page and on occasion I resort to bribing, rewarding and other not so attractive antics.
I try to make it okay even when I do not put pen to paper.
I try to love myself anyway.
Try….some days I do…love myself anyway that is.
But something in me says it isn’t okay. I am not okay, unless I write.
Harsh I know but I think there is a wisdom in this. Some part of me recognizes, that I don’t feel good when I don’t write, I feel lost, out of touch with myself and the inner workings of my life. I feel more anxious, more off center.
The truth is, it is good for me to write. It is like medicine, like food, like water, like gravity keeping me here, focused, solid, creative, flowing, grooving, juicy, centered, rockin.
So why do I resist?
The best answer I have to this one is that I am not used to focused, centered, juicy, grooving, rockin…I am learning how to receive these states with ease, but there is still some work to be done. Often we get used to feeling down, off center and anxious, it was my way of being for over thirty years.
And sometimes, you have to say, “enough of the self analysis” cause you can stay a long time in analysis paralysis.
And sometimes you just have to do it and stop talking about the not doing it and why your not doing and blah, blah, blah. Cause it just isn’t going to get done without you.
That’s what I did today.
Today I won.
Today I wrote several blog posts and rode over the fear with my
Today, is good, and juicy, and rockin day and I am a bit more centered and a lot more focused.
Today ask yourself:
What in your life do you keep yourself from doing? What do you love to do so much but continually find yourself sabotaging your opportunities to do it?
Explore the parts that don’t want you to do it…figure out the layer of fear that lies beneath the not doing. Have a conversation with it. Have compassion for it. Let it know you hear its concerns but you need it to step aside because this thing, this amazing thing is for the good of the whole. Let it know you will take care of things if anything goes awry. It is safe, it is safe, it is safe.
And then, just do it.
Without thinking too much about it. Like you would if you were taking a dive, or doing some really scary thing, like bungee jumping or sky diving. At some point you have to stop having a dialogue with yourself about it, you have to stop examining it and you just have to jump.
And once you jump, you’ll never be the exact same person you were, before you jumped. Let me know how it goes.