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This week’s Truth Project prompt over at Wild Precious Studio is:

Express your truth: what scares you the most, right now in your life…show your fear on the page, is it dark, dull, sharp, chaotic, pulling at your heels? What color is it or colors? Texture? What keeps you up at night? What fear needs your calm, loving attention but feels beyond you right now? What are you most afraid of right now in your life?

Explore a deep fear in your life right now, using art/writing/collaging/photography/art and text combined.

I have many fears but lately I am acutely aware of how not being more embodied leads to sickness, feeling disconnected, tired, achy, and chronic pain in my body. I am afraid of being so disconnected from my body that I will become ill because of it.

While it may seem irrational to some, it is very real to me as I have had numerous health issues for the past 12 years. I have had thyroid cancer, precancerous cells in both my cervix, and colon. I have a herniated disc and compression fracture in my back. I also have diabetes insipidus which was just diagnosed last year. I am also very conditioned to live from the head up. I have worked hard at being embodied, tuning into my body and answering its call, but it is quite easy for me to slip into disembodiment. It is easy to feel fractured, like I am losing parts of me and ultimately feel separate from my body. This is quite difficult for me to put out there. I am a life coach, I am supposed to have it together and sometimes I don’t. It is real, it is my truth and I am aware of how my own brokenness helps me help others, but when I am in that space there is deep guilt and shame over not being whole.

The following entry came to me as I was creating a girl and ended up having to use to pieces of a book page. I felt drawn to her head and body, being on two different pages and wondered what it would be like to keep the two pieces separate. The rest just emerged from me and the word “disembodiment” came to me as the title of the page. I added the bandage at the last minute to represent my illnesses. I used black because my fear is black and although I prefer my smooth gesso, I used a gesso with some tooth to it (by Liquitex), because my fear is rough. I also used a fork to scrape lines into the paint, because there is this clawing feeling around this issue for me. Like I am clawing for answers, scraping.

I am working on a more empowering view of my illnesses, beyond feeling as if it is my fault which is so disempowering. It is the old victim mentality that seems to make its way into other areas of my life. Still working on it. I am also learning how to experience embodiment as safe as it was not safe to be in this body for most of my upbringing.