I wish to renew my vision for what I want in my life. I have felt a shift within me slowly building. A questioning of what I am doing and whether it is what I am meant to be doing. I have felt an imagining of what else is possible. I teeter between whether this shift is based on truth or fear. Am I just afraid of continuing to live in this space or is the truth of what I truly want becoming clearer to me? I am not sure yet and sometimes I struggle to get still enough, to know.
Perhaps I am afraid of knowing the truth. What if it is too large, too scary, too far away from what I believe is possible. Perhaps there is a comfort in not knowing, in being confused, and unclear. Ah yes, I know unclear, I know confused, I know it in my cells, from the time I sat in front of my dollhouse at age 2 and watched my mother and father fighting. Daddy is holding Mommy down, as she rages, and tries to claw at him. I know how to sit with confusion, I know how to become paralyzed by it.
And so I must learn how to get comfortable with clarity as I renew my vision. I must allow the knowing within me to rise up and deal with the irrational discomfort of it.
I must remind myself, it is okay to be clear Stephanie, it is okay to change your mind, it is okay to re-evaluate, to want more, to want something different, to change the course. You are safe.