This weekend, I was blessed to attend yet another Shalom Mountain Retreat in which I tapped into the rage of my molestations and the betrayal of my husband. While I am not able to yet fully express the story of my husband here, I can say that the ties of my childhood and my marriage are deeply woven together in a dark mess of pain. To express rage against one and not the other would have missed the mark entirely. The wise woman who led me through my process knew that and led me through the timeline of my rage into my most powerful present.
As I allowed the rage of betrayal and pain to flush through my body, I realized there was great beauty and power in that rage. I felt it’s vibration flowing freely through me the more I brought the tennis racket down on the large block cushion in front of me. Each pop loosened something inside of me, making room for my true power to emerge.
There are so many treasures in my process which I believe I will uncover as time goes on and yet there those crystal clear gems that stand out to me right now as I reenter my life.
For those of you who know about the Shalom mat trip process, you know that it is almost always a reclaiming of the lost parts. As a child I lost or buried so many parts of myself in order to survive and stay safe. These parts of me stayed buried into adulthood, keeping me from functioning in “normal” ways and robbing me of my power. For me my lost parts were my sexuality, my ownership over my body, my right to say no, to say yes and my right to express my rage. And so when I was violated emotionally as an adult, I still could not step into my power and claim the right to say no, no more. As I swung at the cushioned block, I screamed, “no”, I screamed, “my body” and I even screamed, “yes” to my sexuality. Letting my rage flow was releasing me, the real me, giving her permission to come forth and own it all even the pain.
My beautiful gems so far are:
My body is mine.
I do not need to fear my rage.
I can say yes to my sexuality.
I am powerful.
I own my power, my rage, my body, my mouth, my sexuality, all of it.
At the end I was lifted by angels, literally and figuratively.
Today as I reenter my life and focus upon this new life that I am creating, I say thank you to the angels that lifted me up over this weekend. May our wings touch one day on the mountain and beyond.