As a trauma survivor, the love of self has been often elusive. For a very long time, I could not even imagine what it meant to love myself. I lived a life of self sabotage, depression, internal hatred that consumed my every waking thought and the way I moved through the world.
I’d often stare blankly at people who gave me compliments, with that “who me look”. I could not see my true self. I could not see my gifts, my great sense of humor, my loving way, my intelligence, my beauty and eloquence. I lived in the dark as if living with a stranger because the truth was I really didn’t know who I was.
Eventually my self hatred manifested in my body through disease. I was forced to examine what I was doing to myself when diagnosis after diagnosis showed that something was going very wrong inside my body. I kept thinking, if I loved myself, truly loved myself, this would not be happening. Disease is dis-ease, dis-ease with oneself and one’s life. It is not understanding your own power. It is not understanding the power of thoughts and long stemming beliefs and the power of the mind over the body. Not loving myself was killing me on a soul level and once the soul decides to go, the body follows. It was scary and I realized, that I wanted to live. I didn’t want to live this deadened life not one more second. I wanted to dance, to sing, to write, to talk, to connect, to feel, to touch, to love.
Today, as I continually rediscover myself, I find that I like and love myself more and more each day. I love who I am becoming, the risks I’m willing to take, the spirit of rebellion and resilience inside of me. I’m loving my eyes and lips, my hair and smile. I’m learning to love all of me. I’m even loving my patterns, my insights, my honesty even when they are shedding light on something dark and ugly inside. I’m loving the perfection of my life, the synchronicities that prove Source is with me, answering my neverending calls of intention. I’m learning to see myself though the eyes of whatever Force put me here and I am loving what I see.